Bad Blogger

I know I have not been blogging lately, but I probably should have put up a disclaimer in my last blog entry. X mas is a seriously busy season for me at work and at home. We would literally work all day and party all night for about three weeks in December. Not to mention visiting relatives, being pregnant, and other things that popped up unexpectedly. One of them being the sudden and shocking death of my grandmother. I know that I am really starting to sound like Debbie Downer, but I think in all 2007 has been a rocky year.



I love my Momma Joe, she was my best friend. We could talk for hours and she really really really got me. She never judged me or told me what to do. We had so much in common. She was the one that taught me how to knit, sew, and crochet, and that is usually what we talked about. I loved her cooking and can mimic her cooking pretty well. I can't put into words how hurt and shocked I was when I found out she was gone. It took my breath away and made me physically hurt! It would have hurt her to see me in so much pain. It has been a week and a half, so, I know it will hurt for a while, but I can't go a day without crying. At her funeral I literally chapped my eyelids from crying so much.
I had to buy a maternity outfit wear at her funeral. I had to buy a black dress for my 4 year old! That was so hard! I spent my first xmas in my whole life without her on this planet just two days after she died. Xmas sucked! I got a happy maternity card and a $25 check from her in the mail in the days just before she died.
I know she is old and I should look at it with a more positive spin, but I want my Momma Joe back. I want to call her and talk about knitting tommorow morning. I want to drive to her house and have her greet me in the driveway with hugs and kisses. I want to get 100 more sappy cards from her for secondary holidays and occasions. When I forget what to put in her meatloaf I want to be able to call her and ask her. I don't get any of that anymore! It is all gone and I never get it again. If I had know I would have enjoyed it more. I would have talked a little longer, and stayed an extra day. I would have taken more pictures of her. Pictures of us together. I don't have one not even one in the last 10 years. I would have kissed her, just one more time. I would have done everything more! I would trade 100 of my days for one more with her.
She is all over my house! She crocheted me about 100 snow flakes for my xmas tree. They where on there the day she died it killed me to see them on xmas morning. She is in my food, she loved to put ketchup in everything, it was her secret ingredient, her blanked is on my couch ( she crocheted it for me), she is all over my daughters room. I know that she was making a blanket for my unborn son, I couldn't find it at her house. I know it is in there somwhere.
I feel so alone without her here! I will miss her forever! I just hope it hurts less!